May 26

Today is one of two days each year I spend some time remembering my fiancee. May 26, 1984 was when we were supposed to marry each other. Instead, I scattered her ashes in the ocean and got VERY drunk.

This year, it is a bit more special. My wife and I are living in a very rural area. This was my wife’s dream, my dream and my fiancee’s dream. So, this dream was achieved…30 years later than planned, and with a different person…but still achieved.

Even in hospice, my fiancee was more worried about me than herself and I know she would be pleased about me completing the dream.

Less Than Two Weeks

In less than two weeks, we will sign the paperwork to sell our home. The next day, when the ownership paperwork is filed with the county government, the home will no longer be ours.

As we have been packing things, the home has been slowly losing its “personality”. I’m not sure how else to describe it except as personality.

VERY little is left in the home….I’m estimating it will take four hours to move the remaining “stuff” to storage and probably six hours to move the old vehicles to a friend’s home.

Signing the paperwork will be a bittersweet time. We will be leaving the place where we lived for 23 years and our daughter grew up. At the same time, we will be achieving a near life long dream.


As I was writing the prior post, I realized that dreams live on.


My fiancee and I shared a goal. She would finish medical school and the residency programs while I finished my MSEE degree.

I had a job offer to work for a defense contracting company (making missile guidance systems) that paid *VERY* well and had the benefit of paying for the tuition for my MSEE degree. The company I would have worked for only wanted two years on the job for each year of paid tuition. So, for two years of tuition, I only had to be there for four years, which was the length of medical school. I was honest with the company about moving on after about four years and they were okay with it.

The salary, and living very frugally, would have made it possible for her to finish medical school and me to finish up my master’s degree with no student loan debt. And, with no student loan debt, a medical doctor and an engineer would have no financial issues, no matter the place they chose to live.

The dream was to move to a rural part of northern Arizona, eastern Arizona, southern Utah, southern Colorado or anywhere in New Mexico. My fiancée would have a pediatric practice while I worked for a rural telephone company, a local electric utility company or a government agency.

She died in late 1983 and that dream ended.


It turns out the woman I married had similar dreams. Similar, but not exact. Like me, she is also an engineer and also had dreams of living in a very rural area. I’m not sure if I “picked” her because of the similar dream, or if my dream “infected” her. I guess it doesn’t matter.

Unfortunately, jobs in her field of engineering were available in only a few areas of the country, none being rural, so the dream had to be put on hold until we retired.

When we retired, the dream was rekindled and if everything falls into place, we will be living our dream.

Something Unusual

I had a dream that I remembered when I woke up. I don’t seem to remember dreams very often, so this is something unusual. In the dream, I was in “the double wide”, holding my fiancee and humming the song, Die Gedanken Sind Frei.

Die Gedanken Sind Frei is the title of a German folk song that became a protest song. In English it means, “Thoughts are free”. With free meaning “not imprisoned” instead of “no cost”. The idea of the song is that, despite being imprisoned, one can still think (and dream) as they please.

When my fiancee went into hospice, the hospice staff did not know we were engaged, so the room was equipped in the normal way; a hospital bed, a tray table and a chair that would recline flat and turn into something resembling a bed. When the staff realized we were engaged, they discretely asked about bringing the “double wide” into the room. They explained that the double wide was a hospital bed that was wide enough to be used by couples but added that the chair/bed wouldn’t fit in the room at the same time. She (my fiancee) said yes to the big bed, so the regular hospital bed, and the recliner chair/bed, were removed…and the double wide was brought into her room.

I would lay on the bed with her and we would talk, and talk, and talk, and then talk some more. We talked about everything from dreams missed to funeral plans to my promising that I would continue on living.

When it got to where, even with assistance, she couldn’t get out of bed, I would climb into the bed, gently hug her and hum Die Gedanken Sind Frei. It was a reminder that even though her body had become a prison, she could still dream of better times. My humming that song would always bought a smile to her face.

Even after she became unresponsive, I would hold her and hum the song. I’d like to think that she could hear it and was smiling.

….Suitcases full of memories…..that are normally kept closed and locked up tight…but sometimes “sneak out”.

It Must Be a Dream

Our daughter was home from university for a few hours last night and we walked over to her high school to watch a bit of the football game being played.

All the people and “goings on” seemed odd–almost like it was a dream.

I graduated high school in 1979.  It’s supposedly now 2019.  That is 40 years and that is not possible.  The only explanation is that I’m dreaming a very accelerated life and as soon as the alarm clock goes off, I’ll be waking up, finding myself 18 years old again and heading off to school.

Weird Dreams.

I’ve been napping all day today.  I’m fighting a cold and I decided the best thing I could do was to avoid people and just rest.

I awoke from a nap and remembered the dream I was having.  This dream is one I’ve had before.

I’m at a wedding.  My wife is in a wedding gown.  I’m in the “fancy tuxedo”, so I’m the groom.  My fiancee is there as the maid of honor.  She is smiling.  I look at the best man…and it’s another me.

After the ceremony, my wife tosses the bouquet and the maid of honor catches it.  I toss the garter and the best man catches it.

From what I’ve always heard, the legend is that those two people will be the next to be married.

A most weird dream.

Family Vacation

I am in upstate New York, probably 45 minutes from Canada.  We drove the 2500 miles to get here and tent camped along the way.

The first night was in Bluff, UT-a town few have heard of.  It’s in what is called the 4-corners region, which is where Utah, Arizona, Colorado and New Mexico share a border.  It is beautiful and I like the people.  I could live there, but my wife and daughter disagree.

There was a bit of sadness when I drove through this area.  Back in the early 1980s, my girlfriend (and later fiancee) was in a pre-med program with the goal of becoming a pediatrician.  My goal was to become an engineer. Our dream was to find a small town in northern or eastern Arizona, New Mexico, southern Utah or southern Colorado, and move there. I would be an engineer for a power or telephone company or perhaps a government agency and she would set up a medical practice.  We had done a lot of camping and met a lot of people in these areas which is how I came to love the area.

That dream closed with her death and the dream was never fully replaced.  Instead of directing my life, I let my life direct me.  Many years later I met someone else, we married and had a daughter.  She’s now 17 and a senior in high school.  While we didn’t have a dream, we did save money (probably 1/3 of our household income)  for retirement and our daughter’s college education.

A new shared dream is slowly forming….find a semi-rural area in the country to semi-retire…..which is why we decided to drive to upstate New York for a (her) family visit.  So far, the only requirements are semi-rural, hobby friendly, a not terribly extreme climate and friendly people

So far we have made it though Arizona, Colorado, Utah, Nebraska, Iowa, Indiana, Illinois,  Ohio and New York.  On the way home we will wander through the more southern states.